Nick Esasky's career ended by Vertigo

I've begun to hit again.
I still see ghosts trailing after the baseball
as if it was on a bad TV set.
I'm sorry for my optimism.
I'm only hitting against a BP pitcher.
I really won't know much
until I see the real thing this spring.
Especially not in high-speed traffic
where people are changing lanes
coming from the left and the right of me.
I couldn't take all the information
in front of me.
It was hard enough to decipher
how fast the other guy was coming.
Is he coming all the way over?
It was like a ground ball.
I see it coming
but I see it coming slower
than it really is. Yogurt.

I thought I had the flu.
And I figured once I got back home
out of the sun
I'd start feeling better.
But the season started
and things got worse.
I was having problems reacting.
I didn't feel coordinated.
It was like I was in slow motion
and everything else
moving very quickly around me.
That's where I became really concerned
about being able to catch the ball.
I had been catching balls without knowing how I caught them.
I started missing balls that I should have caught.
Pickoff throws. I thought they were here
but they were a fraction of an inch over there
It wasn't a major thing
but in baseball
if you miss it by a little bit
you're missing the whole thing.

I got concerned
that I was going to get hit
in the face by a ball.
So when we went to the next series
in Cincinnati I went in and told the team
that something was going on
that I didn't know what it was
but that I needed to get checked out.

I saw a hypnotist to see
if we could just block it out by mind power.
That didn't work.
Hocus-pocus doesn't do it.

I came back from the Mayo Clinic
and said, O.K.
we went to the best place you can go
but we still don't know anything.
Now what do we do?

We decided to do nothing
to see if it would go away.

The hardest part is the uncertainty.
If it was a broken arm
there would be a time frame
for it to heal
but you can't rehab
inside your head.

Thanks a lot.
I was already sick
when I walked in here.
This seems kind of silly.
These exercises look silly.

Right now, maybe I'm 50 percent better.
Some days I'm better than 50 percent.
But there hasn't been one day
when I've felt 100 percent.
And I may never get to 100 percent.
But if I can get to the point
where I'm still able to play
whether it be at 75 or 80 percent
of what I was before
then that's what I'll have to do.

I'd look up for a fly ball
and I'd see three or four balls
and I was just hoping to catch the right one.
It was the worst feeling I've ever known.

There have been a lot of things
cured by God or sheer willpower,
There have been miracles
that no one can explain.
So that can happen.

They joke about it.
They'll ask me if this bothers me.
But they care.
If you can't laugh about it
it will wear you out.

Some people say
they can't get out of bed
for three days.
Some are totally incapacitated.
One said I went to all these doctors,
I went out of the country
I spent $50,000
and I'm still having this problem.
If you ever find what can help you
please let me know.
Here's my name and address.
Another guy wrote to say
he's had this problem for many years
he has to live with it
but he has a positive outlook.
So some of the letters
have made me feel like I can handle this
others make me feel like man
this thing could last all my life.

(in 1989 Nick Esasky hit 30 home runs, batted .277
and knocked in 108 runs in 564 at bats.)

(in 1990 Nick Esasky hit 6 singles, batted .171
and knocked in 0 runs in 35 at bats.)

(Nick Esasky's career ended by Vertigo)